What really hurts today ...? It’s not as much the pain of not having the one I want. It’s not as much the feeling that no one really thinks of me as that special someone. Instead, it is knowing that you mean nothing for those that mean so much to you. It is not understanding why and not feeling able to change that.
Once there was a time when neither of us meant anything to each other. But once you get to know the person, and you grow to admire this person, how can you be indifferent to the fact that it would make absolutely no difference if you were there or not?
Now that really hurts… that really makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning.
What feeling can be bitterer than that one you feel when you wake up in the morning and wonder “why bother talking, calling, writing to anyone? What if I never got off this bed again? Would it make a difference? Would those I have in so higher consideration actually rehearse a single frown for me?”
It’s very common to hear people say that you should be happy with yourself. Well, how can that be when nothing you do seems to make a difference to anyone? How can someone be truly fulfilled knowing that nothing she does matters to those who matter.
You know I’ve spent my life being left aside, like in a parallel dimension, watching the world going round without my interference. Then I thought that maybe, if I really did something different, if I reached out for people, maybe they’d turn around and look at me. But truth is, it makes no difference. No one will call back, no one will care, no one will move a muscle to get out of their way if I suddenly get out of reach. I’m just too insignificant for anyone to realize I’m missing.
Is this some kind of cosmic pay back? Is the Lord punishing me for not caring for those to whom I matter? Am I such a jerk?

MEU FUTURO MARIDO
Escrevi essa lista logo depois que recebi a notícia que Jeremy ia casar. Ao ver meu sonho para um marido desmoronar, entendi que tinha que ter parâmetros para saber exatamente o que eu queria, e reconhecê-lo quando o achar:

Meu futuro marido tem que:

-ser um Crente;
-ter uma teologia consistente e tradicional, gostar de estudar e conversar sobre o assunto;
-de preferência ser Calvinista, jamais Arminiano(eu não poderia seguir um arminiano);
-(se Presbiteriano) crer no batismo infantil;
-não crer na contemporaneidade dos dons sobrenaturais;
-ter um coração missionário;
-ser conservador;
-ter opiniões sólidas sobre as coisas, bons argumentos sobre elas, mas entender-me quando discordarmos;
-ser um bom marido em potencial – alguém a quem eu possa seguir, que possa ser um líder;
-ser gentil, romântico, tratar-me como uma flor;
-ser compreensivo e gostar de ouvir o que eu tenho a dizer (mesmo quando eu falar coisas desconexas),
-não se importar que eu encha o saco de vez em quando;
-protejer-me;
-levar-me mais para perto do Senhor;
-ser um bom pai em potencial – alguém que seja um bom exemplo Cristão e possa ensinar nossos flhos as leis do Senhor, o amor pelos estudos, pela leitura, etc.; desejar ser pai;
-gostar de música, literatura(secular e cristã), filosofia, política;
-ser inteligente;
-ser responsável;
-ser maduro o suficiente para saber a hora certa de ser sério, a hora certa de brincar;
-ter um senso de humor inteligente;não ser muito palhaço;
- não ser muito bagunceiro.

A REAL LONG TEXT

- Unless you're interested in understanding my arguements against kissing skip this text.

This is the text I sent to pr.Noda, on July 31,2001. I also explain what points I agree and disagree from Sam, my friend from church, son to our senior pastor Jehosaphat.



I agree with Samuca in some of his arguments against the dating system. I’ve listed and analysed a few pro-dating arguments, and pointed out the problem with them.


For instance, “dating is a period for a certain degree of intimacy smaller than the intimacy you can have after marriage.” I disagree. According to Samuca, one of the greatest advantages of dating is that it’s an excuse to anticipate some things that had once been a privilege of marriage. Kissing, I believe, is one of these things.
I’m aware that in certain cultures lip-kissing is a sign of friendship, and it’s even done among males. But no one can deny the fact that, in our culture, kissing has a sexual conotation – if it didn’t, I could go around kissing my friends’ lips and that wouldn’t be much of a deal.
“You must be wise to establish a limit for intimacy.” Now, isn’t that convenient – I can’t have sex with my boyfriend, but I can have a taste of it by taking the first step towards it – kissing. No intimacy of this nature should be allowed before marriage. Who has allowed us to mutilate the sexual steps and establish limits for which parts of it may be done outside the wedlock? I’m not willing to let a guy kiss me unless I’m willing to let him go the whole way. And I think it’s quite amazing that a couple spend years dating and don’t go any further than kissing, it sounds like someone who´s been driving on the road with the car on the first gear. Especially because the same people who say limits must established are the ones who say the hardest time to stick to those limits is when you´re kissing.
“Kissing is part of it,” they say. Part of it?!?! What a heck of an argument! Where is this written? Who has ever established the rule that for 2 people to decide whether they should get married, they must kiss each other?
“What if the guy’s kiss is not good?” Oh, so I’ll base my decision of whether or not to marry him on how good a kisser he is! So I might as well have sex to him just to check whether he’s good at it too. And, since I’ve never kissed before, should I also go around kissing some other guys to get some experience?


(Let me say that I don’t talk about this often, ‘cause people get all carried away when I even mention that I’m planning on not kissing till marriage. So I prefer to let them think I’m “normal”. I almost have to apologize for what seems to be my problem with my boyfriend. Besides, if he love and respect me, he won’t have a problem with waiting.)


“If you don´t date, how else will you get married?” People view dating as if it were a required part of life, as if it had always been there, and questioning it was a total absurd. They act like dating was and had always been the only possible way to marriage. It’s not; if it were, generations before us would never have gotten married. Did you know that in the US in the early 20’s young people not related by family ties were forbiden by law to associate as a couple, outside the context of family or friends? In other words, dating was ilegal. So why can’t we question it? Why can’t we try to find a better way to do things?


“It’s a good thing to date because dating is fun,” normally followed by “You’ll hardly have that much fun after you’re married.” is another problematic idea. Well, I know there sure are lots of responsibilities which naturally come with marriage. But I believe that there’s a whole lot of fun which should come with it too.
I agree with J. Harris when he says that the more you prevent from doing before marriage, the more you add to your marriage. And I often wonder why people still go on honeymoon nowadays. I mean, what’s left for them to do? I’ve read that the hotels are having to offer more and more attractions for honeymooners, because they’re spending less and less time in their room. Wonder why. On the other hand a couple who’s saved it all to marriage certainly won’t have much time to leave the room - by the time everyone else is bored, they’ll be experiencing everything new.
Marriage, and not dating, is supposed to be fun. But in our culture – and in the lighter Christian version of it – dating is the time for fun. Dating is not only part of life, but part of the teenage life, when most of us are years away from being ready for marriage. Since teenage is the age of fun, dating is automatically included.


It’s also funny how, while it’s commonplace for Christians that the obvious ultimate purpose of dating is marriage, how often do we see a recently formed couple talking about the possibility of marriage? “Oops! It’s too early to get that serious! It will scare the kid away!”
Too early??? Why too early? The purpose of that relationship IS considering marriage, or not? If it’s too early to talk about marriage, maybe it’s also too early to even start the relationship. There are no excuses for 2 people to be in a relationship, unless they can clearly and consistently consider marriage. Rev.Eudes Oaks said that we should only pursue marriage, once we’ve got the three E-areas in order – “Espiritual, Educação, Economia”. To our days that may be true; our grandparents didn’t have to worry much about Education, and they could be married in their teenage. And I don’t think the 2nd E is a must for a woman either, but my mom does. The main point is you need to have a clear purpose of marriage, and you can’t have a clear purpose of something that is too far down the road.
Or should we enjoy our romantic emotions first, and then decide whether something serious should spring from them? Where in the Bible are we allowed to have this kind of non-committed relationship?


As far as I understand, that’s what Samuel questions. That’s what he means when he says the Bible doesn’t talk about dating. The Bible surely doesn´t mention the possibility of men and women going into a little-commitment fun relationship. I only disagree with the conclusions he comes to. I think he takes a rather inconsequent way from this point on and leaves our problems for the Holy Spirit to solve.
I don’t have a problem with having a boyfriend or going out on a date, as long as it’s clear to both of us that we’re seriously considering marriage, and not some short-term fun. I don’t think that because the Bible doesn’t mention the word “dating” or “namoro”, it’s “ipso facto” (spelling?) wrong. But I’d surely be more likely to go out with a guy if he asked me whether I’d be willing to consider marriage with him, than if he’d simply ask me to go watch a movie. The point is, I won’t waste my time or emotions in a relationship, unless I can expect something from it, unless I know I’m in for something real.


Movies, by the way, is another thing that sounds like trouble to me. At least after I’ve heard from quite a few Christian couples(who claim to have a 3-person relationship) that when they go to the movies, the last thing they know is what they’re watching.


By analysing all of these pro-dating arguments and behaviour, it seems to me that the whole philosophy behind dating is “how much fun can I have without committing sexual sin till the day of my wedding?” While I believe the philosophy of any pre-mariage relationship should be “how can we both find out if we’re meant to be together and get ready for a healthy life as a married couple in a way that pleases God?” Can you see the difference in purpose?
I remember you said at camp that, though the Bible doesn’t specifically talk about dating, it does establish principles we can follow. I think the 2nd question has more to do with those principles than the first one.
Of course this kind of atitude has many implications and consequences. For example, we would not start any relationship if we’re not ready for marriage.
Also we would not plan on starting such a serious relationship with someone we hardly know. Consequently, we would first think of building strong friendship with Christian guys and girls (especially durig our teenage, when we´re not even allowed to get married), and stop worrying about that silly annoying seduction game of insinuations, unspoken intentions. In His time, love would naturally spring from that kind of friendly enviroment.